Defense Mechanism

A tale of two women I met close to one another. Myself, looking at looking. Not quite ready but had some crazy ideas that healing together might be more fun/meaningful/less traumatic together than solo. One, according to outside sources I seemed "more interested in" than the other, while the other I was surprised at how quickly I was forming an emotional attachment prior to even meeting - simply on the basis of our communication.

I reached out to them both expressing interest. Both withdrew immediately. In and of itself, not significant, and certainly within the bounds of appropriate behavior; something I am sure I am guilty of in similar circumstances. Absolutely warranted and necessary in a progression of events. In short, no harm, no foul.

And yet.

When they both re-engaged, it was as if I'd already removed the offending precursors from my psyche - a purge so to speak - to either make room for the next opportunity, or to protect myself from harm (my therapist would likely endorse the latter here of late). It was really no big deal and not worth a second thought - I often remain fast friends with my former lovers because the majority of my former lovers are the types of people I wish to befriend; were/are friends just sometimes with carnal exploration entwined as we push the boundaries of intimacy. To date the only ex-lovers with whom I'm not friends are the ones I've married. I don't know what that says about me, but it is not for my lack of trying. I would have preferred to maintain those relationships. Alas.

So here I am, having re-engaged with the two women who had temporarily withdrawn. One takes me up on my crazy idea (The Experiment), and yet I find I am having difficulty re-igniting that early emotional connection despite my best efforts. The battery of self-reflection tests follow suit. Is it me? Is it her? Is it not to be? Are my expectations far too high (again, my therapist has told me as much)? Or - more recently - is this part of an unconscious defense mechanism put in place to keep me from harm? It is no one's fault, really, but unfair to both myself, and these lovely ladies. Question then becomes, why has something similar never happened with my feelings for Cass? Or perhaps more importantly, How/Why have I continued to maintain the emotional connection I share with her despite everything which has transpired? I'll tell you:

I have no idea.