Wallpaper

The Power of Love

There is so much ease in the current iteration of my life that I know not how to best proceed, or rather, I don't wish to fall into old habits, so am trying to remain hyper-vigilant. Each iteration introduces previously unparalleled communication surrounding expectation and conflict management. Interestingly, the more Cass is honest about why she no longer wishes to date me, the easier it becomes to let her go (the latest was I do not challenge her thinking). Unfortunately, this equates to our friendship seemingly becoming less as well, despite my increased efforts to engage her. At least I will die knowing I kept my promise of wanting to be her friend above all else and it dying won't have been at my own hand.

I also never wanted to put myself in a position where I was at this crossroad again. It's been awhile, and is just as uncomfortable now as it was then. Yet my power here is limited, and I need the damn universe to make up her fucking mind what she wants to do with me as my own say in the matter is apparently meaningless. I revealed more of why I am playing, "what would it take" without it sounding like a comparison. For the uninitiated, each relationship is unique, so there really aren't any, "comparisons" though the lowest common denominator often invokes such as a sort of childish coping mechanism; I was aware of how it might sound, but I wanted to ensure the importance of my meaning was communicated:

You allow me all the things I love that she doesn't: To wrap my entire body around yours while snuggling, morning hugs, always holding hands, coffee kisses - hell, even vaping in bed. Yet despite this all - because of love - I would choose her each and every time. This is why I ask, "What would it take?"

She is so goddamn patient with me and I often feel unworthy because of it.

Then a quote from Season 1, Episode 6 "Vibration Mode" of The Future Diaries surprised me. The antagonist - who has information she will be the lover of the unwilling main character - offers to be treated as a challenge if it helped the protagonist reconcile that information. That resonated with me, as it is how I accomplish goals, and it allowed me to introspect my own life in those terms. Perhaps I simply need to challenge myself?