2024 - Twenty-third Session

Forgot to Let Tess know I would be in Oklahoma, but since I keep the link up to her teleheatlh - when I join she gets a text notification - so it all worked out. Jennifer joined me on and off in between working on her client. As usual, she wanted to know all the things; Jennifer, Cass, Dorian...it's like being a part of a sewing circle and this is gossip hour.

Since she was going to ask anyway (she always does) I offered that I had taken the initiative and kissed Jennifer, and that things had...gone a little further. Knowing I require an emotional connection, she asked if that had happened. As my answer was non-committal I explained that one wasn't immediately forthcoming, so I was walking the delicate balance between initiating a hopefully organic facilitation while simultaneously striving for authenticity in that connection. This led me to bringing up promising Cass I would use protection - which I don't have and wouldn't have brought with me if I did - and the entire conversation of how that transpired; "putting a pin in it" or what I like to call, gay best friend. Alas.

"So...if you're using condoms you hope there's still a chance with Cass in your future?" she asked. "I'm afraid I always will," I replied, then articulated the understanding that is not fair to Jennifer, Cass, or myself. This brought up conversations surrounding my inordinate propensity for boredom unless challenged, which Cass provides in spades given her three teenaged daughters and my close integration into their lives, the way she thinks and engages me, and our innumerous conversations interrogation-style; my offer not to "fix" anything, but simply easing her burden so we could have the time to grow together. "You would have given her everything, Eric."
"Yes," I agreed.
"Isn't it going to be easier with Jennifer without all the bad?"

And this is where I pointed out for me, "challenging" does not equate to, "bad" as I quite look forward to logic problems, troubleshooting, and playing with the malleability of ideas. She conceded that point, but got stuck on how much of that versus peace and quiet I wanted to pursue in my life, suggesting my budding relationship with Jennifer would no doubt provide that. It's a position I never wanted to be in, but Tess assured me my longing for Cass would not be lifelong, that I would - at some undetermined point in the future - be indifferent toward Cass. As I don't wish to ever be indifferent, Jennifer suggested the word, "neutral" which is far more my style, and will hopefully be enough to maintain the closeness/gay best friend she wants me/needs me to be for her. Additionally, should I shift my perspective and embrace the whole of Jennifer, I would have the freedom to create my own unique challenges to alleviate any boredom. Admittedly, that's not familiar to me, but neither am I one to shy away from learning something new, especially if it is uncomfortable to do so - where growth happens; where the magic occurs.

So I purchased condoms :P

Washing Away of Sins

My name is Eric and it’s been three weeks since my last clearing. What does it say about me that I see intuitives like priests who hear your sins and offer you absolution? That I approach the table naked, and exposed for all the world to see; that I confess to a higher power and am helpless in this mortal meat suit which claws and scratches and rips through me with its brain chemistry influence attempting at all times to control my thoughts, and subsequently, actions? I've said the glut of chemicals which flooded my body eventually no longer controlled me, but looking back, I wonder if they only let up enough to fool me into thinking I had full functionality of my faculties, when in fact I only ever had a modicum of control from that point forward - preventing me from healing; from moving forward; for forgiving others as well as myself?

Once again I find myself in supplication, kneeling before those who would wash away my sins and perhaps absolve me of that which ceaselessly plagues me.

Forgive me Priestess...