New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 12

Before I returned to Kansas, I stated I would not be returning to New Mexico without first receiving a formal invitation, which I knew may never come. Driving home I replayed our date over and over in my head, remembering not only our first kiss, but her list of reasons why she might want to marry me:

One - we're already great friends and it would be easy to slip into an already existing relationship. Two - I have it on very good authority you're excellent in bed and would make an exceptional lover. Three - You actually have a career and are financially stable."

None of which spoke to my heart, nor of a future we could build together. They were just...things. I knew what I needed to do - walk away. But I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do so. Only four times in my life I have felt utterly and completely alone in this world: My first night in Germany (1991), my first night at Langley, VA (1993), my first night in Saudi Arabia (1996), and my first night back to Great Bend, KS (2024). Shortly thereafter, that loneliness turned to anger - an emotion I hadn't felt in a very long time. My therapist explained it was due to my closely tying together physical and emotional intimacy, both of which have been starved for far too long, finally manifesting itself.

After my therapy session I remembered Dorian telling me my actions were preventing Cass from healing. And I wanted so badly for her to heal, even if the outcome didn't include me as her lover. And that, I was strong enough to do.

So I did.

I walked away.

Relationship Goals