ENDEX

Alone

Only four times in my life I have felt utterly and completely alone in this world: My first night in Germany (1991), my first night at Langley, VA (1993), my first night in Saudi Arabia (1996), and my first night back to Great Bend, KS (2024).

And Then I Remember

You asked that I refrain from texting for a time
So you could process free from my influence once I left
I thought it would be easier than it is

Was going to text you, "Goodnight" last night
And then I remember
Reached for my phone to tell you, "Good Morning!"
And then I remember

I found a bag of my favorite tea in a pretty pouch;
Placed it in my cart
I rearranged the contents to send you a picture <3
And then I remember

All the things I see and do remind me of you
All the things I think and feel I yearn to share
As I've always done
As I always hope to do

And then, I remember.

Return to Great Bend

I was gone for three weeks. In that three weeks, my roommate was targeted at work; they destroyed her brand new scooter, which, upon trying to fix to get home, caused her to crash. I don't know how many days she missed, or how many days she had to walk, but I do know every time she repaired her scooter with epoxy, it was broken again by the time she left work. She never filed a police report, and her store has no security cameras. She almost quit twice (she makes more when she streams than she does in a week at work, and she's too busy at work to stream).

Geekfriend contacted me while I was away because she was having her suicidal thoughts (a stress-related trauma-response; not purposeful, imminent action). But what I wasn't expecting coming home was the absolute filth in which she was living. She survives primarily on gas station pizza, and there was trash and grease everywhere. I had impressed upon her before I left the importance of keeping the litter box clean with four cats in our tiny crackhouse, but I wasn't expecting the litter box to be the cleanest part of the bathroom. Dishes piled in the sink, flies, trash, and the kitchen counters were black with coffee and coffee grounds. Odd since there was no coffee in the house. The floors were covered in cat gack and hairballs, and the last time they were vacuumed was the last time I'd vacuumed.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a, "clean freak" by any stretch of the imagination. But this was over-the-top. I wasn't sure I could get what needed to be done, done, let alone in a day, and on a workday to boot. But I did. I sprayed and scrubbed and cleaned the entire hovel in a day. And now I'm exhausted.

That's when I found out all four cats are infested with fleas. $100 later, two of the four have been treated and sporting brand new collars. The other two are hiding somewhere within the house. All of this atop the existential crisis of merely existing since I have returned. But since my roommate is being targeted for merely existing, I suppose I have it easy. I drove her to the storage unit, aired up the tires on one of my bikes, and she rode it home so she won't have to walk to work tomorrow. If they destroy the bike, I'll be the one filing a police report.

Thinking of You

Sitting here alone, sipping tea, for no other reason than to feel close to you.