ehowton ◾ ◾ 2024-09-21

Not wanting to go through yet another failed marriage I've been really placing this relationship under a microscope. Yes, lessons learned from my past, but now with the wisdom to apply myself appropriately to the equation; highlighting things at which I've failed in the past - my shortcomings and how they'd work in this dynamic. I know my strengths and my weaknesses, but acknowledging one's weaknesses without actively trying to change them is akin to relationship suicide, and both parties absolutely must be present in order for any relationship to thrive. Am I stepping out of my comfort zone? Of course. And it saddens me how many people choose to conflate that action with not living authentically - that stepping out from my comfort zone is somehow not being true to myself, and portends eventual unhappiness. Forgetting of course that growth only ever occurs outside our comfort zone. Its less that I'm changing myself for the one I wish to be with, and more caring for her, myself, and the relationship enough I'm willing to put myself through an (often) uncomfortable growth cycle for the benefit of all. I just don't understand why no one else understands that. I wasn't happy, so doing the same thing over and over within a different relationship isn't the answer. The answer is to change myself; my perspectives, and embrace what I uncover through introspection and self-reflection. Being honest with oneself is exceedingly difficult because we can easily succumb to some degree of self-deception unconsciously which skews the results. That's why I'm putting in all this overtime with the existential data mining.

From my 2017 blog Do What?

I've been meaning to post about marriage for some time now. Mostly because I am inundated with memes outlining (often quite different) individualized views on the subject. Which is awesome if everyone happened to subscribe to the very specific expectation each meme imparts. More often than not however, they do not appear to be declarations of how one chooses to live their own life, rather indictments on how other's choose to live theirs. I cannot imagine, given the numerous, highly personalized perspectives on the ideal marriage, and taking into account the culturally diverse mix of heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, asexuals, Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Mormons, atheists, Hindus, Buddhists, agnostics who all run the entire spectrum of liberal, conservative, blue collar, white collar, narrative conflict (man versus man, man versus nature, man versus himself, man versus society), and wildly different reasons for choosing to (or choosing not to) marry for race, color, previous condition of servitude, cultural familial commitment, as a beard, for citizenship, loneliness, boredom, social standing, love, or to populate the world with spirit babies), that any one of those would magically fit a single, individualized expectation. Nor should it. Put that way, those silly memes do suddenly seem awfully unreasonable, don't they?

I'm currently at peace with myself, and all which surrounds me. That's the good news. Before things go any further (and they may), I needed to honestly answer why I am so adamant in pursuing her, and how far I was willing to go. To that end, the reason seemed to be, "purpose." I've waxed poetic here numerous times about contributing to something greater than yourself - which is how I see relationships - but it wasn't until this morning I settled on purpose as the reason.

Geekfriend: "I'm not following. You're feeling you have no purpose if you're not pursuing a relationship then?"

Me: "Not exactly. Simply that a relationship would give me a purpose I otherwise would not have."

Which comes back to what it is we value. I value relationships and everything they encompass and allow for. If one of my highest priorities in life is to practice intimacy, I cannot do that alone. Finding the right partner however, is not only paramount, but in exceedingly short supply. Not everyone has the same value-system as I, nor should they. I simply want to spend my time with someone who does.

Later, I rested, and continued Chapter Two in Moving Through Grief and came upon this gem which reinforced what I'd come up with on my own earlier in the day:

After we get dumped, we may immediately start dating again, without taking time to analyze what went wrong in the relationship or whether it was even aligned with our key values ... If you doubt a particular action, ask yourself, "is this action aligned with my values?" ... If the action does seem to appear to be aligned with your values, you can move forward with clarity and confidence.

In conclusion, I wasn't necessarily seeking purpose, but in her, I found it.