Looking Back

While packing the house I see the necklace she hung on my bedroom doorknob 18-months ago with both her engagement and wedding rings attached.

Has she been planning this for that long?
Or simply withdrawing that long?



The only thing left in her closet

New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 3

The phone in my pocket was ringing. FaceTime call from my daughter. I answered, and her morning face lit up the screen. She had just DoorDashed a cup of coffee. At some point I asked her, "Do you think I make decisions using primarily logic, or emotion?" She didn't even have to think about it, "Those choices are too dichotomous; I believe you make decisions by taking into account how it impacts everyone, and not just yourself."

She was talking about Game Theory - the very thing I endeavor to apply too liberally to every aspect of my life. I was unsure I'd ever sat and discussed Game Theory with her but here she was explaining her view of how I used it to make decisions. There are simply too many proud dad moments of which to keep track.

"Why do you ask?" she queried.

I had to think what all to tell her. Most people view my relationship with my daughter as abnormal - because since her late teens I've considered her a peer; we're similar personality types and deep introspectors. Many people who "share everything" with their children likely stop at their own fear and vulnerabilities. We do not. We're overwhelmingly transparent with one another which makes those around us uncomfortable, and we absolutely do not judge one another. It's the latter I rarely receive in return anywhere else in my life and my daughter is one of the few who reciprocates it. For those who haven't experienced that, it's overwhelmingly healing, especially during times of duress. No, I had to think what all to tell her so I wouldn't be putting her in an uncomfortable position - one I would later discover in which she'd already placed herself.

"I feel I've always made decisions based on logic - not emotion. But it dawned on me pursing my wife's best friend for nearly two full years is irrational; there is no logic to it." I said. She didn't respond, simply listened. Continuing, I told her, "There are so many people around me who feel that I should stop pursing her, that she's made her intentions crystal clear, and I'm simply not getting the message; that I'm acting obsessed or lovesick or altogether something else not healthy. Are you one of those people?" I asked.

"Have I ever suggested to you I thought that?" She asked me in return.

"No." I replied, honestly.

"Then there's your answer. I am not."

"If that's the case why not?"

"Dad, I have a different perception of love than almost any person I know. I grew up in a household where I was loved and I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. Those people may see that kind of pursuit as creepy and stalker-ish, but that's not who you are, and besides, that's not how love works. You weren't after her for sex - that was the last thing on your mind. You spent the time to get to know her, enjoy her, love her for so many different reasons, and I got to see that in you. You know, sometimes as kids we're so busy growing up we forget our parents are also people, and have their own lives and struggles. When you met Dorian I got to watch you pamper her, settle down with her, then make a mutual decision to amicably separate. Dorian is the one who taught me I have enough love in my heart for more than two parents and because you're poly I know you can have love in yours for more than two people too. You always have. So when people tell you to give up, that's a sign of their character, not yours. The fact you've never given up on Cassie despite her constant rejection, all the while continuing to support her and her kids during their difficult time and even now check up on their needs tells me everything I need to know."

"Wow. Thanks sweetie."

"Whatever."

"Well, it finally happened," I told her, "She kind of...expressed interest."

"I see. Did the earth shift, Dad?"

"It did."

"Good. That's how it was with me and Zach. The earth shifted. Hey also? I wanted to reach out to Cass because I figured she'd have a ton of knowledge about some stuff I wanted to do but I'm worried because I also don't want Dorian to take it as hurtful, and I don't know how Cassie would feel about me reaching out to her."

"Cassie would love to hear from you. Sometimes she seems more concerned about your feelings where the two of us are concerned than she does about my own. As far as Dorian, well, I'll tell you the same thing I told her when she was in a similar situation: You can do everything a person asks to make them happy and it won't matter to them because they'll feel that way whether you do the thing or not, so do what feels right for you. You are not responsible for other people's actions or opinions. And don't ask me how I know."

"Mom?"

"Maybe."

"So Dad," she continued, "If you move to New Mexico it's okay because those girls need you more right now more than I do."

Her DoorDash coffee arrived and we said our goodbyes. It had been too long since we last talked. I made a mental note to go out and see her once I moved, and downright marveled at her last statement.