New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 1

It's chilly this morning sitting on the curb outside the hotel as the sun is coming up. Perplexing given the heat wave expected throughout the day. Half sipped cup of coffee in one hand, my vape in the other. I am reminded of that morning I was clad in a hoodie our first time back in Albuquerque in forever - there I was, standing on the balcony of our hotel room overlooking the Sandia Mountains. I thought fondly of the selfie I'd taken to send my wife's best friend to let her know I was up and about. The first selfie I'd ever sent this woman. The same day everything in my life was forever changed.

Instead of our usual lively banter and conversation on the drive to New Mexico, my wife slept mostly. It had been becoming a more frequent pattern here of late. Her occasional bouts of depression weren't a threat to our solid relationship, simply a part of her I accepted and did my best to comfort when they occurred. Given our calm lifestyle these episodes never even impacted our routine. As a matter of fact, as introverts the downtime from one another was often a welcome reprieve; a chance to recharge if needed. I suppose that's why I didn't notice at the time how much she had already withdrawn.

Once we arrived in New Mexico, my wife immediately crawled into bed and told me to handle the situation. That being, her insistence we support her best friend with her sudden divorce. Me? Handle the situation? Ok. I shrugged. I'd brought the Xbox expecting a week-long session of video games while cooped up in the hotel, taking over kid duty if they needed some time for themselves. As it turned out, I never even unpacked it.

I met the best friend at the entrance and escorted her to a comfortable seating area where I explained the reason of being the one to greet her. We made small talk, catching up. At some point I felt it important to disclose I'd been infatuated with her for a number of years - benignly of course, and that my wife knew and found it cute - as the current dilemma may or may not call my objectivity into question as we helped in navigating this new situation. A situation her and I ended up navigating together, alone.

Looking back as we do, searching so desperately for answers, I realize there are none to be found. Clues? Sure. Mitigating circumstances? Absolutely. But nothing which would have changed the course of events. I am fond of calling this little mystery, "life" and it's a pervasive little bitch. Knowing what I now know, I'm also unsure I would intentionally correct the course I am on if I could go back to do so, trainwreck though it may ultimately be. Not for any masochistic reasons, rather the idea that I have learned so much about myself; who I am, what I need, and perhaps most importantly, the understanding of how to wield that information properly both offensively and defensively. That alone is worth more than any temporary discomfort which may frequently ebb and tide across my emotional oceanscape during the delicate time new beginnings bring. No, even I am not immune from that.

It is said, "knowledge is power" but knowledge alone does not affect change nor offer us solace unless we act upon that knowledge. Only knowledge coupled with action is power, and so few have the courage, fortitude, or stamina in which to do so. Oh how simple my life might be were I one of the many rather than one of the few. Then again, that is what has set me apart my entire life - seeking those who also fall outside the two standard deviations. What a rollercoaster that has been. There are those drawn to my intrinsic joy, open-mindedness, and innate curiosity about damn near everything we generally take for granted. But they are vampires to my energy when they have no joy of their own, are close-minded about very nearly everything which falls outside their own perspective and allow others to set the status quo to which they blindly follow. It is a draining, uphill, recurring battle that I often fear will be repeated until the end of days. Simply put, it is that cycle which I seek to halt - to find someone with whom I can cheerfully share that journey of self-discovery, love, and hope. Little did I know it would soon be unfolding before my very eyes.

Back home wife would often speak of incorporating her best friend into our lovelife. In part, to build a happy, healthy relationship while keeping me entertained, simultaneously relieving her of the burden of responsibility for my affections, curiosity, and communication. Her greatest hope was that I could comfort her during the day, and comfort her best friend in the evenings. Of course I didn't know her best friend well enough to seriously entertain the thought, but it was a happy thought nonetheless. Toward the culmination of events, she was growing more and more intent on, "getting me a girlfriend" be it her best friend or not. The best friend's divorce perhaps, was her perfect opportunity?

Back in New Mexico in the course of that fateful trip, during one of my wife's brief waking periods, she announced she was going to nap, and while doing so, I should accompany her best friend on the three-hour round trip to her parents' house for packing and loading. It was during those three hours the entirety of my existence was upended. For being infatuated with someone from afar almost certainly doesn't translate to love - especially as we get to know someone - as their quirks, mannerisms, beliefs and whatnot surely differ from the framework we've created in our head. For myself, I was shocked she managed to surpass any edifice I may have erected, which astonished me. The way her mind worked, the way she devoured dialogue and information, her insatiable curiosity and wide berth of knowledge; I couldn't wait to get back to my wife to tell her of my discovery!

"She's smart!" I exclaimed excitedly when we returned, "She's really smart!" I repeated with emphasis.

"Who?" was the reply.

"Your best friend - she's actually super smart and knows a lot of the things I do but also a lot of different things that I don't!"

As I stare into the now empty coffee cup in my hand, I think back to the portable espresso maker I'd purchased to fuel our frequent trips to Albuquerque and back, growing increasingly disdainful of the miles of tepid, gas station coffees along the way. It was a full month after my wife had moved out that I came to the realization I'd fallen so head-over-heels in love with her best friend because she'd met so many needs of mine which weren't getting met for far longer than I'd initially estimated. We were all victims here, and likely each had our own unwitting part to play in its outcome. Question was, how to best move forward from this new crossroads?


Author, October 26, 2022

New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 2

"You need another lover," my wife told me after our last bout of fervent lovemaking, "It will be my best friend, just give her time."
"But she's not in any way even attracted to me, and that's kind of an important piece."
"When she's healed, she will be."
"But she doesn't love me," I reminded her.
"How could she not?"

So that's what I ran with - continue to run with - despite all the other changes going on around me.

The sun was much higher in the sky now. The heat alone was a good indicator, but I was squinting, too. I retreated back into the hotel and sat at the blinking cursor - a blank page - much as I saw myself. This lack of direction weighed heavily upon me. My focus remained unchanged, but it was a moving target, so no real bearing to follow; an erratic trajectory. I'd been in a 10-hour slump of overthinking to no good end. Less scenario running and more...mentally treading water. The latter often carries an emotional toll.

I was tired but couldn't sleep. Hadn't eaten in weeks but was not hungry. My mind ping-ponged between two extremes - all synapses firing at once, or complete disengagement. I wondered what it meant that my mood was being affected by Cass' less-that-positive reaction to my latest gesture. Was this indicative of a red flag? I had often reacted to the negative moods of my ex-wife, but never let myself be affected by Dorian's moods. It was rather freeing, actually. Then something the best friend had said earlier came back, "Those with whom you remain close friends with after a breakup is a good indicator you never really loved them." Obviously I apply every declarative statement through the filter of, for some personality types but this departure from my usual behavior had me wondering if I'd gotten it wrong - perhaps healthy balance was key? Could my reaction be indicating love? Why did I never feel this way with Dorian? And after all, I wasn't friends with my ex-wife. Perhaps we're supposed to react emotionally when the ones we love are in distress? I know I certainly was. Perhaps in order to shield myself from my ex-wife, I had overcompensated with Dorian? As with most things, both extremes gravitate toward unhealthy while sustainability generally lies more centered. Was this a learning opportunity?

The revelation cleared the fog from my mind and boosted my energy. I was suddenly less sullen and felt better about my place in the world. My current challenge is but patience - nothing more. The one I am pursuing is unsure about a great many things, and rightfully so. But the opportunity for me to address them is often sporadic. From her reactions I can tell anxiety is nipping at her heels but I don't know how to explain to her I have already foreseen the future - manifested it - and that everything will be more than okay. Deep down I know I have to let her discover this on her own, that it will be better for us both if she does. Or to let her know I have no such fears, or doubts. I simply require the patience to allay hers while continuing to learn more about me, about her, and about us, while I wait. And yes, apparently, I care for her. So much so it has undone a decade of tightly controlling my emotions.

I knew from past experiences allowing your lover to completely control all your emotions was untenable. Perhaps now I was learning that always having complete control was another untenable lifestyle. Yes Cass and I always, always, always communicate our resultant feelings with one another - it's that transparency and vulnerability which I both so deeply crave, and rarely got in return. Instead of logically reconciling my emotions each and every time, perhaps it was ok to actually allow myself to feel them - even the ones which may not be so pleasant. Surely emotional maturity requires new experiences in which to catalog. I was now reframing all of this in realtime and it fortified me.

I looked down at the cursor, now blinking at the bottom of this very page, filled with the words above.