ehowton ◾ ◾ 2024-05-07

As an INTJ my default is almost always assuming there's no change in the perception of relationship strength unless that relationship has changed. Other personality types require constant validation - which I'll attempt to fulfill if I'm aware. I remember distinctly the last time I required updated validation; my wife and I had...modified our relationship, so I needed to reestablish a new baseline from which to operate, after which I was fine. While logically this sustentation of relationship perception obviously wouldn't apply to the ebb and flow within the establishment of new relationships, I was nonetheless surprised to find myself subject to the kind of creeping doubt which led to a need for external validation. Rather acutely too, I might add.

I was feeling the overwhelming confluence of two distinct grief-cycles.

To put it succinctly, my lover and I are not at the point where we share unconditional security, my wife and I are struggling with communication and intimacy to the degree (given the subject matter) I was not comfortable in unduly alarming her, and given all three of our exceedingly busy schedules I didn't want to needlessly burden either of them with my anxiety-response to a breakdown of my own expectation management. Yet I was in tears; the kind which builds up quickly, then comes spilling out in anguish.

And that's when I came to the conclusion that grief is the opposite of NRE.

I had recently recalled my views on how we each define those who are allowed into our circle of trust:

...how many people can be reasonably expected to be included in the vaunted circle of trust. The fewer - it would seem - the better, according to those who have very few in their own, based upon a lifetime of trial and error, experiences, personal values, and subsequent worldview. Identical actually, to how I set my own standard, which now leads me to believe those with whom this conversation may arise has more to do with value differentiation and less with an arbitrarily assigned variable.

Several weeks ago my wife's BFF was surprised when I told her she was one of the few people I trusted. I guess I assumed it was already understood, so was taken aback by her surprise. She proffered a short list of reasons as to why it surprised her - namely, things which I don't take into consideration when granting it; things which I found wholly unimportant as far as extending trust goes. I base my trust on things far less tangible, but far more important. I had also mentioned two others in my life who I trusted to the same degree - my wife, and my daughter. So I texted her instead.

She was wonderful and gracious, thrilled I think to be able to help, and flattered that I came to her. But above all - and this is something I didn't realize I needed so very much - nonjudgmental. When I speak of reciprocity, I would very much like this included as I so rarely ever get to experience it in return, and it was amazing and refreshing.