Withdrawal

[ehowton]

My videos aren't about anyone but me, for me. Yes I use actual real world events and relationships as the catalyst for the videos which I create to catalogue, process, and understand my own emotions. They are fascinating in that regard and I know I'm repeating myself on this subject but the subject keeps coming up and I keep learning more things. I write what I observe/feel from an understandably myopic first-person view. Introspection occurs (for me) by watching them over and over - I deconstruct them; place myself in the antagonist's (for lack of a better work) shoes and swirl around all the possible perspectives, challenges, and motivations. It's rather humbling when you can see yourself within the same video observed as if someone had written it from their first-person view about you.

You know what else is humbling? Finding out time and again something you've created as a personal research topic into a highly specific and individual dissertation about oneself actually helps others to heal.

But right now? I'm struggling with how to set boundaries without breaking trust. How to let someone heal without interference. How to be present without...being present. To support without losing oneself in the process when there's zero reciprocity. How does one handle (what feels like) betrayal without in turn betraying them? I don't know how to answer these questions yet, but I want to move forward and somehow have to do so without the support of the one who would normally be there to support me. When the one who causes the harm is the same who provides comfort. Or, just like in my videos, am I an equal antagonist in the same story from the other perspective? I don't know.

But I have discovered actions, attitudes, behavior and even words are sometimes not an effective communication tool. Everything I've said or done over the past two years was somehow misinterpreted and misunderstood. When being demonstrative in place of words was even rebuffed. I have nothing left to utilize.