Ass-Biting Seal

[ehowton]

My God I have no idea what the fuck my subconscious is up to, I really don't. But I dreamed it was late, and my daughter and I were walking home from a party or something. Its dark outside, and the terrain we traversed was windy with the weirdest scenery along the path. Like at one point there's these two old women sipping tea at midnight on the steps of their cobblestone house. I think they might have also been knitting. Then the pre-teen BMX'ers who tried to pass us on the muddy part of our walk. But mostly my daughter and I were laughing and sharing stories as we walked seemingly forever (and at times in circles) down the same repeating path. At one point she's on the inside and I'm on the outside when the soft dirt gives way and she starts to fall down the short embankment. I grab her, throw her to my other side but then fall myself. I'm laying on the soft ground, looking up at her still on the road and we're both laughing when something catches my eye as I reach up to grab something solid in order to regain my footing - two gila monsters hiding in a crevice - I froze.

Slowly (oh so slowly), I stood up, and took one step back. It was too late, the two gila monsters lunged, one latching to my left hip, the other to my right. I almost panicked but thought it wouldn't help anything, so shrugged and climbed back up to the road. My daughter - seeing the two gila monsters was all like, "omg are you ok?" I shrugged and we continued walking the path along our trajectory. Occasionally we'd see other perambulators; hikers and the like. They too would notice the two gila monsters attached to my hip. I will admit it made walking difficult and it was starting to get painful. At one point I had my daughter help me pry them off, and they scurried away. Honestly it felt like a great weight had been lifted and I didn't seem to have any ill effects of them having been there. But then there was another pain in my ass - no, literally, a pain in my actual ass. Further investigation revealed a small leopard seal latched onto the space between my lower back and my buttocks with its strong jaws like a freaking lamprey and I was the shark. I could still walk - and relatively pain free - but every once in a while i would have a tinge of pain if I moved outside the ordinary ambulatory way. Ergo, my daughter and I continued on our way home.

And all of that is relatively normal for what happened the rest of the dream, which is such a blur, I cannot really recall it all. Suffice it to say everyone we'd met or passed on that winding road along our journey ended up being near our house at the very end in an insane almost orgy-level event which stupefied me, but after much cursing and gnashing of teeth, they did manage to pry the small leopard seal off my ass.

I'm convinced all of this means something, but I have neither the time, nor desire, to pick apart each of the significant symbolism here just for it to tell me my life is a fucking mess and so am I.