15-Year Mystery: SOLVED?

[ehowton]

I do so enjoy other's perspectives. They're often so delightfully illuminating. If they're not inadvertently revealing their own bias and worldview, they're providing me with invaluable information on valid points of view I was unable to independently consider. I've recently been interfacing with an intriguing lady who's caught more than my passing interest and has shared with me her wonderfully analytical mind - add into the mix she's an INTJ and 😍

In deconstructing my two divorces (both predicated on my partner enthusiastically lobbying for me to fall in love with a third then incomprehensibly decrying betrayal when it happened), she was able to provide some much needed insight which has thus far eluded me - the why. Before we get into that, I believe in things like full disclosure, transparency, and owning up to my mistakes. Awkwardly, there is no conversation to be had when your partner doesn't also believe in those things. I know it sounds simple when you believe you've done nothing wrong and everything is your partner's fault, but that is so far removed from rational it makes for nonexistent conflict resolution, which is usually where I find myself.

As an avid communicator I check, double-check, and triple-check before I do anything with so much possible upheaval. I discuss the good, the bad, the possible consequences, back-out plans, what happens if one of us no longer wishes to back-out, things which can and do go wrong, and delve into how we would agree to handle any situations be them surrounding feelings, trust, behavior - all of it. I am quite thorough; Q&A's, months of back and forth agreements, disagreements, and conversations on how we'd like it to look, expectations, etc.

What has always confounded me, is the eventual accusation, "How dare you love her like you love me," every time we've moved forward. I say eventual because it usually begins as passive-aggressiveness and devolves from there - never plainly stated to be workshopped as per our mutual agreement on how we'd handle emerging issues. This is where my new friend (who I'd love to someday be more than friends) synthesized, "They wanted you to fall in love UNDER THEIR DIRECTION AND WITH THEIR INPUT AND CONTROL."

This stopped me cold. As my ADHD brain does, I immediately connected every comment I did not at the time comprehend across both marriages under this new filter and realized the reason for the request of a third - that which I was not bringing to the marriage which would result in such a request - an appropriate amount of attention. The "third" was intended to provide that; double it even. Love was never a part of their equation - at least how I show love - because the moment my attention was not fully upon my wife, that was seen as betrayal. Instead of double the attention, she was receiving commensurately less.

Before you judge me too harshly, oftentimes the request for a third was spearheaded by a desire to disengage from my sometimes constant connection; involving my partner into my everything, all the time. It was always proposed as a solution to keep me entertained. And I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Twice.

More recently it would appear my most recent ex-wife has evolved from, "He cheated on me with my best friend" to, "I'm in a narcissist abuse support group" which of course goes against everything I've ever said, done, pantomimed, expressed, pontificated, and written here the past 20-years. Though I will freely admit that it probably looks that way to those who are never at fault ✌️