Entropy

[ehowton]

Recently, I've become aware that wherever I am concerning the path of my future is often less tied to extrinsic events, and more to an almost recurring cycle of shifting internal perspectives. That's not to say I'm immune to extrinsic events, but once I map them they become more manageable. Examples might include being aware of Cass' endless doling of rope for me to hang myself, or my lawyer telling there's been another requested increase in how much cash she wants up front every time I agree to all the previous increases in the endless demonstrable cash-grab. My daughter asked, "Wouldn't you like to break the cycle?"

So I sat with that a bit.

Not because I didn't want to break the cycle, rather, I wanted to control the direction in which it broke.

Well, at least as much as I am able.

Perplexing also that I can't think of ways to change my stars that don't involve forcing myself into situations surrounding large groups of people - and the ideas I've come up with in how to do that have been met with reactions which reinforce what a poor idea it would be for me to do so - that my ideas would absolutely not give me the power to curate my desired outcome. So I feel stuck every now and again, which I now see as part of the cycle.

The idea of the cycle I identified brought forth a handful of emotions which rose above the rest. Relieved, to have data. Data is something with which I can work, and identifying clear patterns are usually helpful in feeling less lost when experiencing emotions. Resigned, when understanding this cycle would simply repeat itself over and over, as some portions of the cycle aren't what I would identify as, "constructive" or, "fun." And frustrated, insofar as not being able to immediately halt the cycle now that I've identified it as such.

After sitting with that for a bit I was able to figure out the cycle is an entropic process, decaying with each iteration. This is great news, as I assume it means I simply have to wait it out as it slowly just kills itself. Sure that's awfully passive of me, but perhaps that's simply where I am in the cycle.