Ignoring the Blonde

[ehowton]

Jennifer uses this phrase I don't fully conceptualize, "feeling into" which allows her to explore things as an observer without fully immersing herself into it as a gauge. It does sound like something I do on a non-emotional level, which is considering a perspective without necessarily agreeing to it or holding it as my own, but I'm unsure I've done that emotionally which is what it sounds like she does.

During one of my son's teenage phases I asked him, "Hey, quick question - how can people tell if you are just pretending to be super-dumb or if you really are just as stupid as you're pretending to be?" I told him that if I didn't know any better - based on his behavior alone - I'd think he didn't have a lick of common sense whatsoever and would feel sorry for him, honestly wondering if he were somehow incapable of having his own thoughts and ideas. When discussing emotional connection with Jennifer, she enumerated all the ways it felt like we had, or were working on that connection. I explained she was simply pointing out words and actions...not the feelings behind it. She in turned asked me, "If you're doing and saying all the things which reinforce emotional connection, how do you know one doesn't exist?"

I don't. This is the part which confuses me. Leslie, Tess and Cass herself have been trying to convince me for years what I feel for Cass sounds like infatuation. Obviously I see it differently, but I have to weigh their words so I think on this often. When I'm in bed with Jennifer and she's gently running her fingers along my chest, I know it's because she wants to - that she enjoys it. I'm also aware that Cass would likely not feel compelled to do so, nor would she appreciate me completely wrapping myself around her. When I am memorizing Jennifer's body with my fingertips, it is, as you may be able to imagine, genuine and pleasurable, but if I wonder how it would feel were it Cass instead, something far more intense is triggered, and it is this I wish to understand; to catalog; to express. I want it in all things all the time, not solely with the one which is unavailable to me. I wish to develop this with Jennifer as well, but do not know how. So what is the, "it" I am missing? What would I do with it? I'd sprinkle that shit EVERYWHERE.

Is it emotional connection? And if so, can that be developed; encouraged over time? If it is infatuation, am I truly lost forever? I no longer wish to be held hostage; a slave to my own circular processing. How can one do no harm if simply loving and wanting to fall in love causes harm to others?


If we all go for the blonde and block each other, not a single one of us is going to get her. So then we go for her friends, but they will all give us the cold shoulder because no on likes to be second choice. But what if none of us goes for the blonde? We won't get in each other's way and we won't insult the other girls. It's the only way to win. It's the only way we all get laid.