Fractured

[ehowton]

I don't think I've ever written about this before, and it only comes to mind now because I'm experiencing it again and don't know why; surely there's a reason, or set of circumstance which have been repeated in such a manner in which it has been triggered.

During my last divorce, I was seeing our third. We'd had a strong intellectual and emotional bond and I was further exploring that. I'm unsure if it was only during times of rest, duress, inactivity, or pressure (but surely never peace as I did not experience much of that during those times) but I struggled with viewing her as a "whole" person. At times she remained completely unintegrated - I often saw her as either a friend, or a lover; rarely both. This distressed me greatly at the time that I could never see her as a complete, whole, integrated individual with her own needs, wants, desires, and individualism. For reasons which remain elusive, during that time she appeared to me as the discrete embodiment of what I may have needed at any particular time - which seemingly rotated often. It was distressing at the time to the point I brought it to her attention. I do not now recall if she had any useful input, but surely found it curious. We remain close friends to this day, but as hard as we tried, a more fully integrated relationship never materialized, and I grow weary of being the best best friend women have ever had, and nothing more. I am also unwilling to hurt people as she was hurt because of it, whether they accept the responsibility of that on their own or not; my own integrity of character disallows it.

Fast-forward fifteen years and I meet an absolutely delightful, self-actualized girl with whom I share an intellectual bond (and we had the start of what felt like the beginnings of an emotional bond as well). Yet at some point during the week I spent with her, I noticed that same fracturing into discrete individuals. Yes, I am once again going through a divorce, but this time it is not occurring with our third (pattern), whom I was also seeing afterward, rather someone altogether new and unattached to any trauma from the previous relationship (potentially ruling that pattern out).

We'll see.

Comments

[ubet_cha]

I'm on the bench for a very long time. I think you may be braver than me. You're absolutely right a new adventure in your life has begun. We'll see how it develops.

[ehowton]

Braver? Dumber maybe!