New Mexico, New Beginnings - Chapter 13

[ehowton]

Cass has been pushing me to date other people instead of just her, so I can find someone, "better suited" for me, which is usually code for, "I'm really not interested." After several weeks of non-pursuit, I asked her specifically why she wanted me to date others. "I don't have the same passion you have for me. I want you to have passion in your life. Both directions." That certainly sounds like a tall order.

Because I do not have an emotional nor intellectual connection with other women, it is impossible for me to consider them as potential partners. I don't even really see them. Yet [online] dating requires I chose an overtly binary interest based solely upon a photograph. A fucking picture. Of a woman. And that's supposed to be how I - of all people - choose who to date. I dare say anyone who knows me understands how fucking ridiculous that is. To which Cass insightfully replied, "You've been poly for 20 years, you told me that you're capable of loving more than one woman simultaneously."

Touché

So (and perhaps to prove to her how inane the whole idea that was), I created an online dating profile which discussed in-depth my views of intimacy, communication, and what I unwaveringly expected in a potential partner. Unsurprisingly perhaps, it reinforced women don't really like me. Or at least the idea of me. Being completely honest with myself, they're looking for a less challenging version of me despite the lamentations in their own profiles; vulnerability yes, but not too much vulnerability. More unidirectional transparency perhaps. Reciprocation when it is convenient. Intimacy-lite for a turn of phrase; all the rewards without the work.

Imagine then my surprise to stumble upon a well-written, introspective, profile which contained many identical keywords as my own. To say I was cautiously optimistic would be an understatement. Still, I've learned to not trust words. I hit, "Like" and clicked the link to initiate contact. As my fingers likely hovered over the keyboard with my head tilted slightly looking at the wall above the screen in contemplation of my word choice, a second surprise followed in the wake of the first - an unexpected message from the girl on which I'd just swiped right, "I am genuinely intrigued with your profile." Genuine intrigue is not something I generally provoke in others.

I later told my therapist, "I am concerned I will form an emotional attachment too quickly, I am concerned I won't form an emotional attachment at all, I am concerned the emotional attachment I am trying to sever from Cass will somehow thwart my efforts, and I'm concerned about eventually hurting this girl because of my concerns." But more than that, I'm concerned about the existential crisis in which I would allow myself to descend on the unlikely chance Cass changes her mind - which is something I've long predicted. Moreso the horror knowing the collateral damage I would be inflicting upon an innocent who would at that point solely deserve my unwavering attention - not that Cass' integrity would allow her to interfere with any new relationship in which I may find myself, further damaging what is surely becoming an overly fragile psyche if I were given to being dramatic.

How do normal people navigate this shit?

The only way forward sometimes is to just immerse yourself into situations which are unfamiliar with the presence of mind to explore. My hope is that discovering and experiencing something altogether unique new will create entirely new scenarios in which I bypass completely existential descent by transcending those ties which currently limit my growth and understanding.