Inherited Scripts

We’ve been taught that relationships come in packages. Neat little boxes with predefined rules. But when the connection doesn’t match the category, we either walk away - still looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right - or shrug our shoulders and accept a less-than-ideal fate. For some, this starts with a romantic relationship that no longer feels romantic but still feels meaningful. For others, it’s a deep emotional connection with someone they’re "not supposed" to fall for of all manner of make-believe reasons, culture influence, and ingrained societal establishments.

We are not meant to simply fill little boxes, not be stuffed in a box ourselves. How embarrassingly limiting. And while the idea of growing past our own predefined life can feel disorienting, it’s also a huge invitation. To pause. To ask. To imagine; at least for those who still believe in imagination, creativity, and magic. That we allow ourselves to limit ourselves is truly the saddest part of humankind. But what if we didn’t have to choose between "all in" or "cut off"? What if we let the connection lead, and built the structure around it, not before it? To allow things to unfold naturally; wonderfully; ideally? What then?

Recently, there were two girls in my life at the same time. One was completely open with her relationships, the other, jealous - admittedly. We know from where jealousy originates, and that it serves no one - least of all the one who admits to holding it. While we all have the capacity to eradicate jealousy from out own lives, we do not contain the ability to eradicate it from someone else's life. That can only come through consistent authenticity. No, they're the ones who must make that choice. One might think that of the two girls, I would have chosen the one without jealousy - the one who sat with me and had the hard conversations over how it might look, how we would handle a potential break-up and all the emotions which would no doubt become a part of such scenarios. We discussed endlessly what we'd want - need - if such a thing ever took place (as they sometimes do), and detailed our motivations and behaviors so there would be no surprises. Yes, that sounds like the girl for me, not the petty, jealous girl for sure.

But here's the thing - the jealous girl admitted her shortcomings; was aware of them. She honestly and authentically disclosed them to me. For someone whose values surround both authenticity and honesty, I can deeply appreciate the strength it takes to revel weakness. Especially when the not-jealous girl became insanely jealous and controlling the first time she was faced with it, and acted out in a manner completely opposite of everything she ever said. Fascinating really, to watch her watch me struggle with insecurity and jealousy while still allowing her the freedom of choice with zero expectation over the course of our relationship, and then see firsthand her own grotesque transformation as she tried in desperation to control my actions the very first time she experienced what I had overcome. And the lies she spread! To anyone who would listen. The very opposite of everything I stood for, and everything she told me she also stood for.

So yeah, I'll choose the jealous girl. The honest girl. The worthy girl. The box is an illusion, and so is everything which is dishonest.