Boundaries

We talked for a long time about not wanting to be with those who didn't want to be with us - like, what would the point of that even be? To live some sort of shadow life in a disconnected relationship for no purpose other than to living some sort of shadow life in a disconnected relationship. Of course by, "long time" I mean damn near a decade; both before and during to level check our understanding and goals were aligned. It was comforting and reassuring that we were always on the same page, which is where re-evaluating without provocation comes in: To reset, realign, or renegotiate as needs change or evolve. We were in lockstep agreement that sometimes people change, grow, and evolve, as do situations and we've both been in enough relationships to discuss all of this beforehand in order to mitigate any surprise reactions. We often asked one another our thoughts on not only what we thought we would feel, but how we would manage those emotions. These conversations often resulted in agreement of acting in love and respect toward the other person no matter the eventual outcome not only because of who we are, but who we wish to be, and what parts of us we wanted to reinforce in order to continue growing. None of it was ever about selfishness, or pettiness, or intentionally hurting the other person. Longevity in sustainable relationships is being honest about ourselves - and our intentions/motivations - in such conversations. How can we expect any semblance of success in any part of our lives if we're dishonest about intent? How is that even remotely sustainable? Anything gained through subterfuge will eventually collapse.

There's a lot of talk surrounding boundaries these days as it becomes both more mainstream, and accessible. What I keep running into however, are those who misunderstand (and I'm being kind here) how boundaries work. Why there always seems to be a contingent of people who universally desire utilizing new tools or new ways of thinking to fool themselves into reprehensible behavior using only a pedestrian understanding is beyond me, and again, not a sustainable solution. When it fails (and it will), this is why. What I see when the peripherally aware use the word, "boundary" is - correctly - not allowing themselves to be treated a certain way, but only under the guise of control; to control the other person's actions/attitudes/behaviors in such a way as to force expected conformity. Awkwardly, that's not even accidentally how that works, and it seems to me why so many people remain angry, and frustrated, and unfulfilled - because no one will just do what they want when they want. Again, not how boundaries work. Their assumed expectation of how boundaries are supposed to work is the antithesis of what boundary-setting is; the opposite of what is supposed to happen. To add insult to injury, these same people feel comfortable in loudly articulating their new set boundaries - a largely unnecessary (and if we're being honest, again antithetical) action which has the effect of furthering any animosity which may have had a hand in prompting the necessity of boundary-setting in the first place. Think of it this way - people who don't respect us aren't going to suddenly, magically start respecting us because we've vocalized a defined boundary for ourself. Want our boundaries to be noticed? Acted upon? Respected? Let's try shutting the hell up, and quietly removing ourself from the equation. That is how boundaries work; why they're so successful (when done right). It requires almost zero communication.

The inverse of this stratagem is the fallout of standing firm in the stated/perceived/set boundaries. When boundaries are practiced correctly, they require action on the part of the one who creates them to change their ways - not the other way around. Setting boundaries isn't getting other people to do what we want them to do - it is removing ourselves from that which triggers us. Let's be honest, if our boundary is to find inner peace by not allowing certain behaviors around us, and the person who is propagating those behaviors chooses to respect our boundary by disassociating themselves from us, it worked. Just not perhaps in the way we may have expected - it all comes down to expectation management. Well, that and not twisting boundary-setting into some kind of perverted power move. If we're attempting to use it to control other people, we're doing it wrong. Use it to control ourselves instead. Not only is it far more likely to work, we'll be much less frustrated in nearly every aspect of our lives because trying to control other people's actions, attitudes, and behaviors has never, and will never, be a sustainable solution.

And yet...

Once again (or so I am told) there is someone else in my life who (seemingly) craves my attention without wanting the romantic/emotional relationship, and I have to admit, I'm stumped. To date, no one who has articulated this dynamic to me has been able to explain to my satisfaction why this dynamic even exists in the world. Like, what is gained? What is the goal? What is the motivation for curating and feeding such a dynamic? Often the answer is simply, "They enjoy the attention." I guess I need to know in what way is it enjoyed? What do they gain from it? What motivates them to crave my attention outside that romantic/emotional relationship? From that perspective it seems a vapid pursuit. Do people really get a sense of worth from external validation?

I get people have platonic friends - hell, even I have platonic friends (encompassing the entire gender spectrum no less) - but I don't crave their attention. I don't require their validation. I do appreciate their perspective and insight and enjoy our time together, but bring zero expectation to those friendships.