NOT YOU

Dom In Name Only

I don't do the whole, "BDSM" thing, nor do I have any proclivities which would fall under the, "kink" moniker. As I've posted here before I find kinks exceedingly limiting; being, "vanilla" affords me the opportunity to appreciate and enjoy an innumerous variety of kinks without being tied to any particular one/style in order to sate both my partner, and myself. That said, my partners need to ask for what they want, as I won't automatically fall into their kink mode unless stated. Which kinda brings me around to the subject of this post: Doms and Subs.

Keep in mind, none of this dynamic is in my own wheelhouse, but I have listened - and observed - over the years. Often I hear people describe themselves, or others, as, "Doms" but things often don't go as anticipated when dealing with DINOs (Dom in Name Only). What do I mean by that? In my observations, most (not all) men who refer to themselves as a Dom, don't even accidentally have the emotional maturity to pull off a vanilla relationship, let alone one which requires the nuanced balance of appropriate behavior in a Sub/Dom dynamic. They see themselves as, "alpha" which in and of itself tells us everything we need to know about them. My assumption is that most true Doms are likely quiet, introspective, polite and respectful men - those who treat all women with respect all of the time; who practice consent in all areas of their life, not just the bedroom.

"Real" Doms never assume - they ask, they question, they query using different words, approaches and perspectives until they understand the desires of their partner. Honestly, that's kinda the only thing which makes a Dom a Dom, doing those things and doing them well. It is about perceived control within the consenting roleplay, never unbridled dominance. And that dominance should never be used to get themself off as a primary motivator - only that of their partner. They want to wield true power? They need to put their partner first. Anything less is submissive, see? They're subsuming control to their own desires instead of reflecting that desire onto their partner. When they focus on themselves, they become the submissive, turning over all control to the partner. And that's okay if that's the dynamic - but don't dare consider yourself a Dom, or worse, tell others.

So how can you protect yourself by weeding out real Doms from DINOs? DINOs don’t like being questioned or doubted. Use the term DINO in front of them; accuse them even - every time they react defensively (which they will) they reinforce they truly are nothing more than a Dom in Name Only.