"Explosive Growth" & "2024 - Twenty-fourth Session"

Looking back, what put me in the position in which I found myself was a series of uncomfortable experiences: The conversation where Cass wanted me to "also" date other people in hopes I'd find someone "more well suited;" agreeing to experiment with someone willing to try and find out if an entire relationship could be fulfilling based solely upon the four pillars of intimacy and nothing more; and finding myself in bed with someone I had kissed simply to see if I could initiate the beginnings of an emotional connection. Uncomfortable, all. I did not wish to have that conversation with Cass, I did not wish to place myself under scrutiny in the meat market which is online dating, and I did not want to kiss a girl with whom I did not already share an emotional connection. Yet I understand growth occurs outside our comfort zone, and I had been stagnant far too long. I'm not one to just tempt fate, I'll get my fingers sticky to illustrate the gravity of my intent and enjoy what I can from that exchange before reaping the consequences of my actions. Not uncommon of course is what generally happens after you fingerbang fate - she responds. So it is with knowing where, how, and why growth occurs. Every time something arose that was uncomfortable, I redoubled my efforts to chase it - to embrace it - just like those poor people who can't help but try and hug dangerous wild animals because they look cuddly...right before being mauled.

I did ask Tess this session which was more important, finding the person who is more well suited, or being in love with someone who may be damn close. Tess replied that everything I have told her about both Cass and Jennifer - and what she knew about what it was I am seeking - that my relationship with Jennifer appeared from her perspective to be more easily sustainable, and were I to continue pursuing an emotional connection with her, the other would no doubt follow. She then offered that she wasn't sure Cass knew exactly how much she was giving up in giving me up, and knew how difficult it was for me, but also glad I'd taken it upon myself to move forward.

It would have been in poor taste to not be willing to use myself as a test subject to the same degree I expected in a partner, and of my two potentials, one was excited to embrace the idea of discovering for herself the outcome, and the other was excited to not do that. I thus found myself at the first crossroads, for choosing the one who was excited for the journey was also the most uncomfortable with which to do so. The first rule of Growth Club is that we always talk about Growth Club. And always choose the most uncomfortable course of action if we want the greatest opportunity for growth. Given this was one of the foundational theories of my experiment, I ran with it. And this is how I found myself adorned in nothing but a condom.

The good news: I am apparently as fantastic in bed as my wife tells everyone I am. Always nice to hear. And really, to be able to see for myself without need of words; things I experience from every gasp, sigh, and arch of the back; curling of the toes; that look in the eyes of raw, carnal, instinctual desire. I honestly feel bad for women who do not have the level of sheer touch and attention in their own lives - even non-sexually - that I provide my partners without cease and without expectation or obligation. Without consequence. I also should've mentioned at some point I'm double-jointed I guess? "The best sexual experience of my entire life" I think she said :D But now the bad news: I discovered my own block(s). I couldn't finish. Each night that week and weekend when she was completely spent, I lay there in contemplation thinking, considering, and introspecting, while saying everything out loud for transparency, feedback, and discussion. Nothing was ever off-limits. The more uncomfortable the conversation, the more radical the growth, right?

Was it the unfamiliarity of the condoms? Was it due to focusing too hard to form that emotional connection? Was it because she isn’t Cass - and if so what does that say about me? Am I flawed or is it simply my thoughts that require adjustment? I acknowledged the possibility was none of those things, that they were simply the path of least resistance coming to mind that has zero bearing on the outcome. Just easy, simplistic excuses. As we lay there one-night discussing different eventualities which may or may not ever come to pass, become opportunities, or even ever exist anywhere but within our own scenarios, she told me if I chose another over her, she would shed tears, but would have enjoyed everything she has learned and experienced from our experiment; that finding me on my journey has helped expand her own, and really, isn't that what the human experience is all about and little more? Yes. Yes it is. But at the same time the idea of being limited in what we're allowed to choose brought up my own repressed instincts - the ongoing bane of my existence - the idea that the majority of humankind is so limited in everything we ever do, feel, or think, is limited to the finite as we celebrate the labeling of everything we touch as a false dichotomy despite the very real, very raw, limitless nature in both ourselves, and everything we do or can observe, and that struck a chord with me - it brought up much older puzzles I had solved previously and no longer accepted as truth.

I know the sudden fervor in my voice surprised her, for her brow furrowed and she repeated several times, "I'm not backing down from that statement!" My response was joy, because she helped me remember who I was; who I am, and I am none of those things. I embrace the impossible, the challenging, the uncomfortable, and the surreal - I smash false dichotomies, not cower to them. With renewed enthusiasm, I took her then and there, and she was amazed.

Two things. One, it's damn rare that I would ever close my eyes and pretend I'm having sex with someone else during the act, and two, on the very few occasions on which I have, I've certainly never disclosed it. Why? Disclosing that sort of thing would be uncomfortable, and the subsequent conversation perhaps even more so. But you can't have true transparency (or a true experiment) without potentially difficult conversations. The funny part is, once you've established that level of trust with someone, no conversations are ever difficult - they're as exciting as they are necessary. So I told her, "If you noticed my eyes were closed, it was because I was imagining I was making love to someone else, to see if the blocks I seem to have could be cleared." Her entire face lit up with joy as I revealed this to her. She was thrilled I had tried different things which may have worked. When she was done reveling in my revelation, I thanked for her receiving what I'd told her in the spirit in which it was intended - that I am unaccustomed to disclosing such things, of which she was aware of and excited about as I was telling her what I had done, because she knew it was a damn rare thing to have the very conversation we were having, and we were both relishing in the whole exchange. Absolutely everything that has transpired within the experiment to date has been pretty fucking magical. I've never played in relationships-as-experiments before, but the entire timeline seems compressed and an absolute joy when you don't just say you're transparent and vulnerable, but actually manage to pull those things off. And now I'm interested in picking Cass' brain on where she may stand with the condoms...

Needs

If someone is without food or shelter, we don't ask them if they're sure they require these things - we simply suggest they get those needs met. No one questions whether the need is real or not. Maslow theorized only once those physiological needs were met could we look toward the next level of our development, yet was careful to outline each level was, in essence, also a need - much as food and shelter. So it is with achieving one's full potential. According to Maslow, it's not just, "nice to have," but rather, a need. Like food. Or water. Or shelter. And that's what so many of the vapid quotes from mindless self-help books posted on Facebook either don't realize, or don't articulate - that these are needs. Its not Maslow's hierarchy of wants, or hierarchy of desires, or even hierarchy of unnecessary things to think about, but hieracrchy of needs; that which is required.

Another thing those dime-a-dozen self-help books (and subsequent flowery quotes on Facebooks) get wrong is failure to disengaging being at peace with ourselves from being at peace with not having those aforementioned needs met. Even when I was not aware its what I was doing I've been on a multi-year quest to get my needs met while simultaneously wanting to contribute to something greater than myself in a reciprical relationship. But to read those quotes all one would have to think they'd need to do in order to receive enlightenment is to be at peace with oneself. I am a peace with who I am, but have been unfulfilled in other ways which aren't as easily addressed. What I have learned is having a willing partner helps to develop those things. We should turn more things into experiments, then ceaslessly test that experiment, record the outcomes, adjust the variables, and test again.

I wish more people would be willing to do this.