2024 - Eighteenth Session

Cass missed the first half of the session, so I asked what the difference was between fear and anxiety, as I had always assumed fear was localized while anxiety was unspecified. Tess helped me understand that unlike fear, anxiety manifests itself through elevated heart rate and feelings of dread either generally, or with specific triggers. When I mentioned the panic attack whilst playing Cyberpunk the other day, she agreed with our assessment of why it occurred.

I told Tess about the both of us dating others when I returned to Kansas. She asked how I felt about that. I admitted I wasn't concerned in the slightest, because I've set the bar so high, no one else will be able to compare. She asked why Cass wanted us to date other people. I explained it was two-fold: One, she wants me to be absolutely sure she's the one I want, and cannot help but feel there's

"someone else"
"out there"
"better suited"

for me. And secondly, she'd really like the rush of chemicals I had with her that she has not had with me - perhaps she'll find that with someone else.

Cass joined us and asked about her youngest. Tess suggested a small, .5mg dose of Adderall, just enough to quiet the brain and get her focused to see if that helps.

After which Tess asked Cass why she was struggling with allowing me to date her. It came down (again) to being her best-friend's ex-husband. They went back and forth a little bit before Tess said she's have to make a conscious decision to change that in her head if she wanted that rush of chemicals with me, otherwise it really was never going to happen.

Driving home after the appointment, I said the quiet part out loud, "Only if you wish to have a romantic relationship with, do you have to make that conscious decision, otherwise its a moot point." She started in (again) about someone else better suited out there and I said, "Let's just call it what it is, a list of reasons you don't want to marry me - which is fine, but just say that."

"No, there's lots of reasons why I would want to marry you."

We got home, changed clothes for our date, and she pecked me on the lips, "There's a kiss."

😑

Later that night at dinner I asked, "You mentioned there were also many reasons that you would want to marry me, what might they be?" She sat back in her chair and looked at me, "You already have a big enough...self-assuredness so I wouldn't want to add to that." She paused a beat, "Fine. One - we're already great friends and it would be easy to slip into an already existing relationship. Two - I have it on very good authority you're excellent in bed and would make an exceptional lover. Three - You actually have a career and are financially stable."

Back in the car, we kissed. For real this time.

And it was glorious.