2024 - Fourth Session

Tess has given me an assignment - write a blog about why people chase that which they cannot have. Hrumph! I did let her know of Cass' recommendation of Susan Cain's book, Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole (and also how I was initially terrified to read it). Due to scheduling conflicts, I also brought Gabs with me to session, and this is important later because living with me, Gabs has a perspective Tess does not. As an aside, Tess absolutely loved Gabs.

Tess believes my expectations for a partner are far too high while simultaneously understanding why - they have to be to reach the level of intimacy I desire. That out of the way, she believes I expect too much out of Cass, despite seeing that potential in her. Since I can't legally (her word, not mine) force Cass to outpace her own growth, I need to be patient. Am I patient, she asked? I replied that I am the patron saint of patience.

Which brought up needs. Specifically, my own. And how some - but not all - are currently being met by Cass, and "how long" I would be able to survive without seeking the rest elsewhere. I admitted I didn't know, but hoped as long as it took, for Cass is so uniquely perfect in so many ways I will never be able to replace the joy she alone brings to my life, and the way my face lights up every time I see her; interact with her.

Gabby interjected, "I asked him if he could live with her in a traditional, monogamous relationship."
Tess then exclaimed, "I asked him the same thing last week!"
I explained it thusly: "I vowed that I would be hers and hers alone as long as the two of us were always willing to try because that is what is important to me. And now that I know why, and how I fell so madly in love with her, it no longer holds power over me - I will wield it as a shield of faith - all I have to do is never allow myself to become emotionally attached to someone, and I will never desire them over Cass. Ever."

Tess believes Cass is telling me what I want to hear to keep me interested while not committing to a relationship, but she doesn't know that Cass has been doing the EXACT OPPOSITE...and for TWENTY MONTHS. Cass has told me over and over and over she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with me and is always dreaming up new and surprising ways to convince me of it. Gabs understands that our relationship belies those words, so disagreed completely with Tess.

As for me? I'll continue to live my truth. It's the only thing I know how to do.