Trying to Make Sense of it All

I always feel if I understood things better - whether or not I agreed with them or not - but if I understood, it would all at least make sense. Awkwardly, that part almost never happens. Cue the finger-pointing, blame, hurt feelings, and everything else which blocks being able to grieve by embracing the natural order of the universe. The stoic-centric quote often misattributed to Buddha paraphrases, "Change isn't painful, only our resistance to change is painful." Yet knowing this we continue to fight it until the bitter end each and every time no matter what so help me god gentlemen start your engines. And its exhausting.

I had a relationship end in 2012. We'd spent 15-years living a specific lifestyle and when one party decided they no longer wanted to live that lifestyle, instead of stating so, there were accusations, attacks, and an entire campaign of terror which ended identically as it would have otherwise, but with emotional bloodshed, wasted time, and unnecessary expense. I had a similar experience in 2015, and while no less painful, as I was the instigator, I sat the other person down and stated I was no longer able to keep up my part of our agreement for reasons I was unable to process. No emotional bloodshed, no wasted time, no unnecessary expense. Best part? We remain close to this day because there were zero accusations, zero attacks, and no campaign of terror.

I know I'm different. I think differently, process differently and live differently than most. And sometimes, there are those who want to experience that life with me, and we agree to walk that path together for a time. As often happens in every relationship configuration across the globe since the dawn of man, sometimes we decide to rescind that agreement. Guess what? THAT'S OK. That's how agreements work. I hold absolutely no ill will when it is stated as such. Sadly, I too have a breaking point. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Usually when, instead of being stated, there's accusations, a withdrawal of affection, and emotional bloodshed with finger pointing and blame. I just find that entire needless process unnecessary and inauthentic.

Something as simple as, "I thought I could do this, I cannot." or "I really wanted to try, but I can't."