Couples - Fifth Session

Explosive session today, and one I will surely be processing for some time in order to get it all to make sense.

To recap: Because I do not own my wife, I never tell her what she can, or cannot do; I do not attempt to, "control" her. She has free will. If my feelings are hurt by her actions, I do not request nor demand she cease those actions. Ever. I express my feelings on the matter so she has that information, then work on myself to overcome those hurt feelings, be them jealousy, insecurity, or any other points of contention. In short, I absolve her of the responsibility of my feelings and own them myself because that is healthy.

That said, the therapist agrees that how my wife feels is not her responsibility, but mine, and only through my actions of ceasing contact with the BFF can we begin to heal. I double and triple-checked that this is what the therapist was saying because I find the entire idea of controlling another person's actions abhorrent, and honestly? This is no longer about the BFF, rather the idea that conflict resolution should be resolved via demands.

I do understand my wife's position - I fear however, that she does not understand mine: She can't believe that I would put our marriage in jeopardy by continuing to communicate with someone she believes I would stop loving if I ceased communication, and I can't believe she would put our marriage in jeopardy by making that assumption, wanting me to act on it, and emotionally ghosting me for it. We've spent the last 10-years seeking both the underlying motivations and intent for our behaviors. Let me be exceedingly blunt: That is healthy. Succumbing to the primitive coping mechanism of blame, is not.

I have a short list of questions for the therapist - aka - questions I never expected to ask a Licensed Master Social Worker:

• Which of her feelings specifically would you say I am responsible for, and which (if any) should she retain responsibility?


• Does this alleviate me from taking responsibility for my own emotions? Can I now place the responsibility of MY emotional management upon her?


• If its okay for her to control MY actions to deal with her feelings, would it be fair to start controlling HER actions to deal with my feelings?


• If she can demand that I stop being polyamorous to save our marriage, should I be allowed to demand that she start being polyamorous for the same reason? If the demands for a complete change of character is an acceptable solution for the same goal, which would take precedence and why?


• Last session you disagreed that addressing the underlying cause of her emotions was more important than capitulation. Yet knowing capitulation amounts to reinforcement, and is likely to increase resistance, isn't that essentially opening the door for a repeating pattern of unhealthy behavior?


• If she’s allowed to take away the most important aspects of our relationship then deny me seeking them outside the relationship, does that mean I can take away the things she finds most important and then equally deny her? For example, she once told me if I ever stopped having sex with her, she’d get it somewhere else. At this point it would be illustrative to tell her, “No, I don’t allow that, instead change your behavior.” Like, I know you want sex, but you're not allowed any except at the time of my choosing. Doesn't that sound awfully controlling?


• My wife continues to be hurt by my relationship with the BFF. When I asked her why she chose to be hurt, she said you told her being hurt wasn't a matter of choice. What did you mean by that?


• I understand she wants to, "get back to the way it was," but the cornerstone our lifestyle was punctuated by free-will, ethical non-monogamy, and unfettered intimacy - to what do you believe we will be going back to, were an agreement of these new limitations to be implemented since it radically shifts the entire foundation of our relationship? Because at this point I give us three-months tops.

To illustrate clearly that it's the knowledge of my actions, not my actions themselves triggering her fear, I have not communicated with the BFF for the past 10 days; text, phone calls, email, or social media, and still live each day without touch or connection, completely void of intimacy, which has exacerbated the situation, not helped it.

Simply put - when transparency is seen as betrayal, vulnerability is subject to judgment, reciprocity is nonexistent despite clear, unequivocal communication for it, intimacy no longer exists. Fortunately, that's not a huge problem as we've spent 10-years discussing next steps for this exact, specific scenario. Our agreement has always been if we discover one of us is unable or unwilling to meet our needs, we will find it elsewhere, and barring that, disengage. And that's why we've put the framework into place, so neither of us would be surprised or caught unaware.

Since my values prohibit me from maintaining any relationship which is void of intimacy, and she has articulated on numerous occasions - some right here in this room - that she's aware I have needs which are not being met, cannot or will not meet them herself, and refuses to allow me to get them met elsewhere, that time has come. I am exceedingly thankful for these sessions as I had no idea we were already at this point.