Mutation

When I was admittedly infatuated with my wife's BFF there was quite a bit of fantasization, which dropped off sharply once I fell in love with her. No, I do not know why. I have my theories, but am unsure of their underlying motivations. Might be something fun to ask the counselor. In short, falling in love with her mind seemingly changed the way I viewed her. Sure there was still the rampant visualization manifestation but it was quite different than the previous fantasization; less objectification, more holistic. I found the difference exciting and unsettling both.

Now that the chemical spill of being head-over-heels in love with her has finally left my body however, I am aware that the things I say to her are more genuine, and coming from my heart, and not a chemically-induced fever dream. I've toned down my communication with her in that regard, yet find myself still wanting to communicate the same things, which also surprises me.

Early on in my imagined relationship, my wife wanted to know if I had ever found her BFF as attractive as she does. I admitted I'd never thought about it which fascinated her. That's funny because she knows I'm physically attracted to the smart ones - or more precisely, I find the smart ones way more physically attractive no matter what they look like. The reconciliation which never took place was the infatuation being separate from her looks - what I assume most [men] use as their gauge for gratification.

But now? I find her absolutely smoking hot. Like, sexy-beast smoldering hot and (once again) am perplexed how/why this shift has occurred. What has changed either externally or internally to cause this (seemingly) major shift in my perception of her? Assuming it's not the long-dead infatuation, and having had the chemicals fully flushed from my bloodstream for some time now, I can only wonder - does this mean my love for her is deepening instead of dissipating?

My wife and I have experienced new-relationship energy (NRE) a handful of times as our relationship has mutated - in essence, experiencing a new-relationship and its associated energy despite us both being the same people because new players aren't necessarily what causes NRE, the relationship is. So now I'm wondering if I'm going to be held captive once again by an NRE in which I've had absolutely zero input. In short, this one is not my fault if it happens!

Mostly I just want to have fun and enjoy life - my wife and I have that in spades. Nearly everything is fun and easy, even the most mundane tasks when we do them together. Every trip to the grocery store is a fun adventure, every discussion a fascinating treatise, every romp in the hay a mind-blowing pastime. I just think it would be fun and wholly fulfilling to have this same relationship with her BFF at every turn as well.

But with this new mutation, I fear I am to be forever tortured by these ever-changing modifications in my imagined relationship with her. Finally solving one problem only to have a new one unexpectedly intrude on my otherwise calm, sanitized thoughts. Surely (surely) there will be an eventual end to this carousel of cacophony and I can resume my friendship-only relationship with her in mind, body, and spirit.