Correlation

Sometime prior to being rebuffed I had wondered if such an event would align with a cessation of chemicals; if there were a correlation, or simply time itself would be the decisive factor. Seven weeks seems like a rather lengthy duration when you're under the influence, but since they happened sequentially, it's a curiosity. Regardless, relationships must absolutely be nurtured in order to thrive, and that takes both parties being present, mindful, and mutually-supportive. One party alone cannot nurture a relationship. I do wonder how my physical form will react the next trip out however - I am simultaneously terrified and thrilled by what may or may not transpire within this mammalian meat suit. That said, I am looking forward to the drive as much if not more than our actual visit because that's when my wife and I nurture our own relationship.

Another curiosity is that my visualization manifestation (for lack of a better term) has dropped significantly, whether or not fueled by the rebuff or the chemicals racing through my bloodstream like a raging river I do not know but its something to keep in mind. It will be interesting to see if that starts up again after my next visit - the data should give me more to work with and perhaps pave the way to understanding. Perhaps related, I was initially dismayed when it came up in conversation that her ideal relationship wouldn't be a person who would tenderly validate emotions, enthusiastically communicate ideas and stimulate intellect, with a proven track-record of both doting love and attention and celebrated intimacy, but instead someone who was a monogamist. Just seemed...backward to me.

Then I ran across one of those WordPorn memes which stated, "I have come to realize and learn an important lesson in life. The potential you see in other people isn't real. It is the projection of you what you would do in their position." and was immediately mortified that I may be guilty of doing just that. Enter introspection. Here's what I decided - I try to generally be aware that "what I would do" is heavily dependent upon circumstances - I often don't know what I would do in any given situation, but I usually have a rough sketch of potential actions I weigh against each other given the uniqueness of the issue and any potential nuance which could add complexity. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I base the potential I see in people off a lifetime of pattern-recognition, taking into consideration things like personality type, critical thinking skills, problem solving abilities, behavior, and attitude.

We all have different starting points, and durations of synthesizing information, and gathering datapoints, as well as drawing conclusions. I often seek the root cause in determining behavior, and work my way up. Some it would seem, work their way down. I need to give myself the grace I give others.