(no subject)

[ehowton]

It was like something out of a novel set in Cape Cod - or at least how I imagine Cape Cod might be; ivy running up the sides of well-kept bungalows sitting on manicured lawns. I'd never walked around my neighborhood - ever. But today I needed to. The houses were cute; well maintained. A stark difference to the four tiny meth houses on my peculiar, overgrown block. I'm sorry, meth home as drax0r often reminds me.

I was exhausted in all the ways - emotionally, physically, intellectually, and perhaps most of all - existentially.

I thought getting absolutely crunked on sake bombs with my daughter this past weekend would knock me the fuck out of my own head. Plot twist: It didn't. I've been carrying a heavy burden and its no one else's burden but my own, so this isn't a goddamn cry for help and God help me if anyone feels compelled to drop words of encouragement down below. I just need to write.

I reached out to several women today because fuck me. I love my solitude - my alone time. When I need it. When I don't, to whom do I turn? The woman I've been courting for nearly three years who is immune to my every charm, wit, and honest self? No. The woman I tried so fucking hard to love because I saw how fucking extraordinary she was? Also no. The woman who is exactly where I am in lockstep? Yes, but she's exactly where I am in lockstep (but also probably doing a far better job than I am at self-management). An acquaintance who I rarely interface with but see a lot of parallels in what we desire? Yes, but she is back where she needs/wants to be (good for her). My dear parallel romance partner (PRP)? Also yes, but she is healing similarly and I know what it feels like when you don't want to talk to anyone because you can handle it on your own. A new acquaintance with a penchant for stalking her ex's? Surprisingly, also yes. We have dinner scheduled later this week. Why? Because she might just fill a temporary void of my own making and perhaps neither of us will feel any pressure to perform. Perhaps we can both just be ourselves without any pretense (and my daughter tells me she's, "hot af").

Rachel was over last night. No one was talking, or really even visiting. She was in the, "creativity bubble" (read, my enclosed office) and I excused myself and passed the fuck out far too early. Good thing I did since there was a production outage early this morning and I was not only already awake, but had finished first coffee as well (officially, I am disallowed from touching production systems until after first coffee, no matter the severity). Root cause lasted ALL DAY LONG. Not only was I spent from that, but my newest project - turning all the sonnets written between May and November 2024 into short, spoken word videos has placed me in a mood (to use my ex's turn of phrase).

So I took a nap.

Or at least, I tried. I may have nodded off a couple of times. I remember jolting myself awake every now and again. At some point it felt like...depression? That's not something from which I suffer, so I translated it to a brain chemistry event and started down the checklist. I got out of bed, got dressed, and took a walk. I normally drive to the walking path, but there was no time, nor inclination. I walked around my otherwise idyllic neighborhood solemnly. When I returned home, I cracked the single leftover can of strawberry margarita from this weekend and drank it on the front porch until the *actual* methheads next door came home and started yelling in the front yard again. The drink hit me before I even finished the can.

I took a shower when I came inside (yes, I scrubbed my butthole - which is apparently a thing these days with men thinking the act itself is gay?? omg no thank you), put on Chopin, and sat to write with a cup of decaf (apparently my caffeine intake is, "worrisome"). I see I have missed messages from Jennifer and Cassie both, and God I wish I could be absolutely everything they both need; deserve. But I have needs as well. What is it I seek? An emotional connection. And honestly at this point, it doesn't matter with whom. I know how dangerous that is - it leads directly to another $100k settlement against me for, "services rendered." I say it doesn't matter with whom because when/if I ever make another emotional attachment nothing else matters for an exceedingly long time. Personality conflicts? Minor inconveniences? Hell, even slight variations in worldview and values become fascinating troubleshooting issues to address and overcome. The trick is to make that emotional connection mutually, then truly nothing can't be mastered.

As it stands I feel like I've done more harm than good lately - on every front.

I'd say it's a good thing I have therapy tomorrow, but I can already hear myself answering, "Fine," when she asks, "So how are you?"