poly (Greek) for, "many" and amorous (Latin) for [sexual] "love" was a term coined circa 1990 to denote, "loving many." While at face value a cheater could be seen as also loving many, I would argue sex outside a loving relationship isn't love at all, instead something very different, which is why I prefer the term ethical non-monogamy. Even using this term in that way seems counter-productive given monogamy (Greek) for "single+marriage" as we practice it today only became a popular configuration for 0.28% of the time we have been on this earth. People who practice monogamy (ethical or otherwise) would be the clear outlier - even according to the Bible and its variants; a common pseudo-authority people enjoy misrepresenting for the argument of their position on the subject. But this isn't about the Greeks, the Italians, or even the Bible. Rather, a look into how each of us justify living authentically while attempting to adhere to the nonmaleficence principle.

This exercise requires shelving malum prohibitum focusing instead upon our individual value system, expectation management, conflict resolution, and communication skills, as would be required in any relationship regardless of sociosexual configuration. Ethical non-monogamy requires all of these skills to be performed out in the open, transparently, eschewing subterfuge. Reviewing a list of 419 values suggests we, collectively, do not maintain identical values as unique individuals. Throw into this already chaotic mix of diverse values with the understanding they should evolve as we experience, learn, grow, and change, and quite suddenly navigation through the knowns and unknowns appears even more precarious.

Tricky things values as they are wedged distinctly between beliefs, which form them, and behavior, which is their visible manifestation. This is how those with whom we interact can determine what we believe without us ever vocalizing it. We may also notice the goals which were most important for us to obtain in our 20s may differ from our goals in our 30s and again in our 40s. The values we embody will no doubt closely reflect those changing goals, and given how linear time works, this scenario would be applicable to the eight billion people upon this earth at any given time.

Within a percentage of that population, there are those who are seeking reprieve perhaps, in one form or another, and cheat on their significant other. This is an emotional or sexual affair which is kept hidden - an earmark of cheaters. Commonality among reasons exists for cheaters, most (not all) of which are heartbreaking, but the number one reason is lack of connection; creating, maintaining, and nurturing a connection within the relationship itself. A tall order to be sure. Serial monogamists often try another approach, having a string of lovers one-at-a-time which may better mesh with their personality or lifestyle, or within the confines of their pursuit of values. Often serial monogamists don't consider themselves ethical non-monogamists though the argument could certainly be made, and since the prior relationship is effectively over, neither do they consider themselves cheaters, as there is no need for secrecy. But all of these disparate behaviors are subject to our own, personal values.

Is it also then possible that the personal values of someone whose priority is connection may wish to engage in loving relationships with multiple people simultaneously, without getting tangled in the relative morality of either cheating or serial monogamy? Cheaters and serial monogamists both are chasing after their own needs looking to be fulfilled - we fault them while simultaneously endeavoring to fill our own needs. Our opinions of them are rooted solely in our own worldview, from which we judge. We endeavor to do no harm through transparent dialogue, vulnerability, and reciprocity. Yet when opposing values meet, we turn to them again as our authority to justify that judgement. Interesting things about values - none of them are more right or more wrong than another, yet when based upon our, "strongly held beliefs" we often cannot be otherwise persuaded.

Good session this time around - I had lots of ground to cover and Tess was instrumental in helping figure everything out, so all good things!

Let's begin, shall we?

Last week I experienced an acute, consuming, lust-filled desire for my wife's BFF. It rocked me, and I was so taken aback by it, I didn't mention it to either her, or my wife, wanting to wait until I got a chance to talk it over with my therapist. So the first thing I asked her was, "What the hell flipped in my Neanderthal lizard brain," followed with, "How can I prevent this from ever happening again?"

When she was done laughing at me, she explained (in so many words) that's not how life worked, and that not only was she unsurprised by it, she has been expecting this conversation. Tess then laid out my "sexual template" something with which I was unfamiliar, concisely summarizing everything.

According to my therapist, everyone has that something which arouses them sexually; mine (as should be expected at this point) is simply different from most. In a nutshell, I experience sexual desire only after meeting a highly-specific brilliant mind which processes data in a manner similar to my own. Voila! Instant turn-on. And given my lifestyle (versus say, that of a serial monogamist) it makes perfect sense that I would want to surround myself with these people and share that intimacy with them. It's what I see in my wife, and it's what I see in her BFF. The reason I desire them both so very much, is the rarity of them, both exactly meeting my unique sexual template.

Which leads us to something I had disclosed to my wife's BFF previously nearly verbatim, but had not mentioned to Tess at all, which made her statement that much more noteworthy:

Your wife is caught up in comparing herself with her BFF by the physical differences she sees, but you find them equally sensual because you're attracted to their bodies because of their minds.

Or something to that effect. I was giddy when I told her that was how I'd explained it to the BFF! "Nice, did you also explain that to your wife?"
"I don't think so?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

And of course, therein lies the problem. What the fuck is wrong with me indeed.

According to my therapist, nothing. It is simply who I am.

This led to a lively conversation with my wife as I finally disclosed that day of unhinged sexual desire for her BFF. "Oh, I know," she said. I looked at her quizzically. "It's my job to know," she clarified.

She truly is way smarter than me :P

I do not know why I burn with this unquenchable desire; this longing. It does not make any logical sense, and were it to, I think perhaps I could reconcile it. Half the time I just wish to be done with this constant battle of self, the other half I absolutely indulge it in ways which possibly perpetuate it ad infinitum.

For someone who fancies themselves adept in articulation, I often find myself devoid of words to adequately express the depth of these desires in such a way to illustrate the manifestation I seek. But it's also not limited to just her; I long for my wife as well - still - after eight years together. My wife tells me the longing I have for her is connected to the longing I have for her BFF. Since falling in love with her mind, I find now I desire her greatly - lustfully so, and that fascinates me as well. "Why do you have to sleep with someone you're in love with?" my therapist asked. I didn't have an answer then. Now I do - I believe it's the manifestation of the four pillars of intimacy. Admittedly we're not there yet, but each passing day, each visit, has the potential to grow that bond, become vulnerable with one another; transparent. This happens through dialogue and fosters reciprocity.

Again, we're not there yet - these things don't happen quickly - especially after the trauma of what she's been through; going through. But to start I promised her I would never lie to her (it's honestly not in my nature), and I never will - no matter how poorly a light what I say may cast on myself. And that's transparency and vulnerability both. Someday perhaps she'll start to open up as well <3

I will love you even if we don't end up together. Even if you walk away from me, I will still love you. I will love you even if you marry someone else and on the coldest days of the year you spend your nights wishing you had married me after all, because no one knows how to ignite the fire in your soul quite the way I do.

What if I bring you into the fold and you're not enough for me?

What indeed.

The same answer if I weren't poly. The same answer I had with Dorian alone when she asked it. The same question I could equally pose to you; what if I bring you into the fold and I'm not enough for you? What if one of us grows? What if one of us finds something in which we long to pursue? What if our expectations change? What if, as we experience life and all it has to offer, our values slowly mutate over time as we learn new things? What if we mature? What then?

This is life in its entirely - without any guarantees - and the question which surrounds every one of us since the dawn of time itself, with every type of relationship ever, agape, eros, philia in all its forms and permutations. The answer remains the same regardless. Those who handle trials and tribulations with love and respect, and those who handle them with resentment and anger. In short, emotional maturity.

Life can be scary and unpredictable. I choose to align myself with people with whom I can experience an array of emotions, steadfastly, while simultaneously enjoying every ounce of life we can collectively squeeze out of it before its over <3

How my wife's BFF felt about time wasted in her marriage is exactly how she’ll feel about time wasted in the church once she eventually leaves that as well.

It's been a fortnight since I cried on the shoulder of my wife over her BFF. It feels significantly longer. I wanted to heal in the open - honestly and transparently, while maintaining everything about who am I and what motivates me to be the person I am - simultaneously being there for my wife's BFF as I had been, while refusing to jeopardize the friendship I have with her. What transpired however, was something completely different. I did it out of my love for them both, and time alone will tell whether or not it was the right thing to do.

I do believe in a multitude of council. That said, some rando's irrelevant opinion does not count. Hell, a multitude of people who have not proven their steadfastness to me do not count. I accept council only from those who have shown strong intellectual and emotional maturity. Awkwardly, these same people suggested I, "step back" and become, "less available" for a time. That is something I did not want to hear, and absolutely something I did not want to do. They were concerned for my well-being. And while grateful for their kind ministrations, I was not [concerned for my well-being]. My mind is a highly-active place filled with innumerous scenarios and compartments and even a sandbox in which to play. Point is, my cathartic weeping session was just that, and I felt I was over the proverbial hump at its conclusion with zero available directions in which to go but forward.

Two things then which influenced my decision. First, by pulling back and making myself less available, I was reinforcing to my wife there would be no repeat of the distress I put her through by crying over her BFF. She's a wonderful, strong, compassionate, smart woman, but I wouldn't want to put her through that again, and if this helped secure our relationship in her mind, so be it. Comparatively, it was very little to ask. Secondly - and perhaps more importantly - she introduced the idea of always being available as slowing her BFF's healing - and that is something I could not have on my conscious. So I stepped back, and became less available, for better or for worse for everyone involved. Including myself. I have no idea if she even noticed, and if she did, what assumption(s) she made due to it.

The sleeplessness which followed may or may not have been related; I have many irons spread across a landscape of fires and tending to them all does take energy, so any number of those could be the cause. I am trying to slowly work back into being more available since I am no longer plagued by longing and heartache. I am also (mostly) succeeding in not visualizing. I wouldn't say the infatuation has returned exactly, but I wouldn't exactly say it hasn't. I miss our interactions, our conversations; her mind, her body, and her spirit. I love the unparalleled life my wife and I have created, and feel she would absolutely blossom here. Why just last night my wife mentioned that if there ever comes a time her BFF does coexist with us, "...you can make love to her in the evenings, because she'll need you more then. Save your afternoons for me." What a cozy, comfortable thought. So yeah, mostly.

When I first started dating my wife, she was puzzled by the relationship I had with my daughter; when she was around I slipped into "daddy" mode, a persona (for lack of a better word) she never saw me in outside those times. She was however unsurprised when I became that same person around her BFFs three girls, "stepping into that role" as she put it. What did surprise her however, was becoming that person around her BFF - the announcement of which also surprised me. I was not only unaware that's what I was doing, I don't even recognize when I do it (but trust my wife's judgement), and have no idea what would have triggered that within me. To her, this curiosity made my falling in love with the BFF understandably problematic (e.g. possible unhealthy relationship), an interpretation I will be unable to fully disagree with until I figure out why that may have occurred, and correct it.

In my experience, the perfect triad is one of mutually-supportive dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, validation, affirmation, and open discussion of boundaries. Decidedly not what was unfolding real-time in front of me, despite my inability to see it at the time (forest for the trees as my wife likes to point out), so that one's on me - my bad.

Writing prompt:

Question: What are you looking for in a potential ideal partner?

My answer:
Someone with whom I can be wholly intimate with, mind, body, and soul; to explore and reinforce vulnerability, transparency, and reciprocity through meaningful dialogue in order to cement the security of unbreakable trust with a lifelong commitment of everlasting love and passion no matter the guise in which it may take as it evolves over time. I already have this relationship in spades with my wife, but have so much more to share with others to whom I am inexorably drawn.

Her answer:
Mormon and single.