We have these same discussions often as we're both rather self-aware; what it is she's doing, what I'm doing, are we behaving selfishly, is she leading me on, is it healthy, are we both still healing, and what our expectations are. Early on we realized we were indeed using each other to have our own needs met which weren't being met elsewhere. We were also aware that wasn't sustainable. Once things changed, we'd thought we'd give it a go and see what shook out. I am happy for the opportunity to have done so. We talked on the phone last night for the first time since I left New Mexico and this blog was that discussion. As far as malevolence, I try to keep this quote in mind: “Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance." It is entirely possible neither one of us was strong enough to do what needed to be done, despite our self-awareness, and that's also understandable. She fully understands that, once healed, if she wants to pursue me, she won't be able to just bat her eyes at me. She's going to have to convince me. Also that I may or may not be available when that time comes, if it comes.

As always, thank you for your perspective <3